I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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