just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I could make wine with my vomit
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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