Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There r osticjed everywhere
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
