Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
