Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
