the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
