I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
