$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Please, let me fuck your mom
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
tell me about the eggs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
