Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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