Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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