If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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