Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
