Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
