I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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