First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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