it was like eating out sand paper
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
