I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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