im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
