Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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