you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
