She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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