At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
two words: eviction party
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
