Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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