forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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