Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
