So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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