omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
