This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize