wrigley field is MILF paradise
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize