In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize