wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is my gift to your gina
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
