So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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