but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
