don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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