The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
