It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
