his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
