I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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