if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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