The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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