I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
