i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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