I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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