we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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