i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
