Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize