So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
