He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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