bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
