all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize