there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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