If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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