that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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