.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize