The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
