Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
